The Blog

A Reader Reports from the Kitchen Steak and Mac and Cheese – The Awl

Whathappensifyouactuallyprintoutourrecipesforsteakandmacandcheeseandtakethemtoyourkitchen?

OneAwlreader,alassbythenameofAmy,decidedtofindoutwhilebackonthehomesteadforThanksgiving。

Amywrites:

“Thefuckingsteakwasreallyfuckingspectacular。

Igotpicstoprove?

it。

Myfriend’smothertookthe‘fundamentalist’inScocca’smaccheeseliterally:‘Whatrecipetoldyoutoputinthismuchmaccheese?

Itcouldfeedachurch!

’Ididn’tbothertryingnottolaugh。

Oh,smalltown?

Texas。

Youguysdidn’twarnushowhardshoppingforthisstuffcouldbe:firsttimearoundwepickedupmostlymiscellaneoussuppliesforotherprojects,plusmilk,andsteak(holyfuckthatfuckingsteak)。

IgotdistractedbytwoguystalkingaboutJews-inNowhereville,Texas,aconversationthatputs‘somepeoplethinkthatthey…’incloseproximityto‘Jews’islikeasirencalltoagirlfromJewtown,Maryland。

Oh,thestoriesI’dheard。

Ionlywantedtofindoutiftheyweretrue!

WhichIwentaboutinasomewhatawkwardmanner。

FirsttheythoughtIwasaccusingthemofantisemitism,thentheythoughtmaybeIwasanantisemite,butonceItoldthemIwasJewishtheywerequicktoassuremethat‘weloveJews!

’TurnsouttheyworshipedwithMessianictraitorJews(kidding:theycanbelievewhattheywant,butdon’tfuckingcallmenotagoodJewfornotknowingHebrewwhenthosearethepeopleyou’rehangingout?

with)。

Buttheywerenice,sofarassomeonewhothinksyou’regonnagotohellunlessyoubelievewhattheydocan?

be。

Wewerestuckintraffictryingto‘takethesteakhome’asperBalk’sinstructionswhenwenoticedwe’dforgottenthe?

cheese。

Onthesecondtry,wegotcheeseplusacouplemorethingswe’dforgotten。

Andthen,backtomyfriend’shome,whereIstaredattheStarofDavidonaboxofkoshersaltforvalidation。

(Look,IwanttolearnHebrew。

Butnotknowingitdoesn’tmakemeabadJewandneitherdoesquestioningGod’sexistence。

)

Thefuckingsteakwasexcellent,bythe?

way。

I’vedecidedScocca’smaccheeseisn’tinherentlyfundamentalist,butitcandefinitelypointthatwayifyou’re…thattype。

Thecheese‘spoketome’;IlookedatthemoundsofgratedcheeseinandaroundthebowlIhadgratedinto,anddecidedthatyes,wecouldusemore。

Whichishowweendedupwithapoundandahalfofcheeseswallowingapoundofmacaroni。

Giventheamount,myfriend’smother’sguessthatthiswasachurchrecipewas…understandable。

Itwasallonfaith,after?

all。

Thoushalthavenoothergodsbeforeme。

(Well,IguessTomScoccaisoneofthegods?

after。

)

Butthesteak。

TheFUCKINGsteak。

IfanylevelofdeliciousnesscanprovetheexistenceoftheOneTrueGod…Balk,areyoumyCreator?

(Ifyouhonestlydon’tknow,Iwillunderstand。

Amanlikeyouhasmanypreoccupations。

)

Love,

YourThankfulDisciples,TheNocturnalJewandtheSmallTownTexasViolent?

Offender

PS:WouldappreciateifTheAwlrananexplanationofHowToCleanUpaFuckingKitchen?

kthx。



Ouradviceonkitchen-cleaningprettymuchcomesdownto“hiringsomeone”or“feigningexhaustionwhilesomeoneelsehandlesit,”butwe’lllookdeeperforsomeotherprotips。

Andthanks,Amy!